On My Mind: The Unexpected of Going Away to School

For today's blog post I thought I would share what has been weighing on my mind the past few weeks. This post was born from the anxiety I faced in the weeks leading up to my move back to Delaware (after three months of living at home) and the periods of self-reflection that followed.

**Note: In no way am I trying to give advice. In truth, my mind was so consumed by these thoughts it was difficult to brainstorm other blog ideas.

~Leah

For most of my life, the college experience was synonymous with moving cross-country and starting a new life. When I started the college search process, I was so desperate to leave Rhode Island that I immediately proposed international schools. Attending school abroad was a non-starter with my mom. So after looking into West Coast schools (also not favored by my mom), my radius gradually decreased to schools on the East Coast.

Even after starting my first semester at the University of Delaware, the grandeur of going to a school located far enough away to make it an inconvenience to go home was still very prevalent in my mind. Ironically, I spent years waiting for my opportunity to leave Rhode Island, only to end up living at home for eight months this past year. So much for my big plan to go far away.

The Unexpected:

ONE: Never living in one place for too long

Now that I'm living off-campus, I have more freedom in choosing when I want to go home and how long I want to stay home. So far, due to work opportunities and the close relationships I have with people from home, I have chosen to spend my summer and winter breaks in Rhode Island.

I love and am grateful for my ability to split my time between Delaware and Rhode Island. However, never being in the same place for six months has its drawbacks. For one, it means saying goodbye more frequently. Although technology makes it easier to stay in touch, I prefer the authenticity of face-to-face interactions. After being away from my friends (from both college and high school) and family for a significant length of time, I developed a new appreciation for those relationships. As a result, leaving for months at a time has become more difficult. In summary, never being in close proximity to half of my social circle means that I'm in a constant state of missing people, which I never experienced before starting college.

The second challenge of never living in one place for too long is the frequent (often sad) adjustment periods. Three to four months is enough time to fall into patterns of normalcy, and it never feels like I'm just visiting. I'm a very routine person, so any schedule change throws me off a little bit. Switching locations is another story. The one to two-week adjustment period is a combination of feeling off-balance without a schedule and getting used to being surrounded by a new set of people.

TWO: Juggling two versions of Leah

As I briefly mentioned earlier, I was obsessed with the idea of starting over and going to a school where nobody knew me. Coming from a small town, I felt like I did not have the freedom to change (looking back, this was all in my head). I built a reputation for myself freshmen year, and I stayed within the confines of any expectations born from that reputation for the remainder of high school. One of the most liberating things about starting college was that I got to choose which pieces of my past I shared with my new friends. Not that I changed dramatically in college, but I had the opportunity to be more independent and developed more self-confidence from my experience being in a new environment.

When I moved to college, I had a mental 'running away from home' moment. In my eagerness to embrace a new life, I left behind many unresolved issues. Associating a specific location with certain character traits made for a difficult adjustment period the first couple of times I went back home, the worst being last March. I immediately fell back into old (bad) habits because online college felt like I had been transported back to high school. Even now, I sometimes struggle with being the more improved version of myself in the place where I experienced the lowest points in my life.

THREE: Coming back to a different version of home

The self-absorbed part of me forgot that people change and experience personal growth, even if I’m not there to see it. After going to school with my best friends every day for six years (some for twelve years), I took for granted how easy it was to stay connected. There was never a need to catch up because we lived a portion of our daily lives the same way, and we saw each other at school. Having different things to talk about makes for more interesting conversations, but it is hard to see some relationships change and feel like you might be missing out on experiences with your best friends. Admittedly, part of this is my fault. I’m very bad at staying in touch with people (sorry to all my friends), and I've never been in friendships that rely on constant communication to maintain the relationship.

The Gratifying:

Despite the unexpected aspects of attending a school three hundred miles away, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I've had the privilege of befriending some wonderful people, experienced the nuances of life outside of New England, and get to spend every day wandering around the campus I fell in love with at first sight.

Being away from home gave me the freedom that I searched for all of high school. Although I still have moments where I'm sensitive to scrutiny, I worry less about being judged and focus more on my pursuits of happiness. Having passions and ambitions that are different from my peers are no longer points of insecurity or embarrassment. In summary, going away to school has given me the foundation to evolve into a person I can be proud of. I have gained confidence in my ability to adapt and thrive in the face of unfamiliarity. As said by Roy T. Bennett, "It's only after you've stepped outside of your comfort zone that you begin to change, grow and transform."